weekend snow update

I'm forgoing the normal update for this public service announcement.

IT FRIGGIN SNOWED IN ATLANTA!!!

Ok, you say - no biggie. Well, here's the thing. People in general, but southerners in particular, are ill-equipped to deal with ice & snow. I think there are only 3 actual snow plows in the entire state of Georgia. And while the Buffalonian in me can snicker (a lil) at most Georgians response to 1/2 inch, still...snow here is dangerous. VERY dangerous.

So, in lieu of the weekend jawn, and to help out my fellow southern urbanites, I just want to offer a few pointers. No judgement - just some helpful hints:

1. STAY THE F%&@ HOME!!! Where do you really have to be? Work? If your boss calls you in this weather, tell him he has three options: Come get you, fire you, or just kiss your ass til it clears up. But if you really have to make it to Walmart to stock up on water & back-up generators (see, folks here think they're going to be trapped for weeks or some shyt)...


2. SLOW THE F%&@ DOWN!!! Shyt, and I don't mean from your usual 75+ miles an hour to the friggin speed limit. Try 40mph on for size, or even 30mph. And I mean on the highway, not down Peachtree Street, sheesh...


3. If you drive a Neon, you can go airborne... Or a Civic, Passat, Tercel, Echo, Golf, Sephia, or any other friggin mini-whateva. Seriously - put some shyt in your trunk - sandbags, weights, filled water jugs, small children - something to keep your mini-Cooper from sliding into the median wall.


4. Ford F150's, you ain't exempt either. Just because your shit weighs 2 tons, doesn't mean you can drive fast. Have you HEARD of BLACK ICE?


5. If you've never seen snow or ice on the road, avoid it. I've seen more Mexicans/Asians doing donuts in traffic today than in my local gas station or construction site. Seriously - does in not snow in Mexico/China/India?


6. Drive in the tracks. If you see that previous cars have already created a track to drive in, why try to "create your own path"? Save that shyt for the friggin off-roading commercials, and stay in that clear path. Ya think ya would want to drive where you can see pavement?!


7. No passing, no weaving, no maneuvering... So, you're managing to get out there, and not slide? That is NOT an open invitation to scare the living bejeezus out of your fellow drivers. Stay in your lane. Just one lane. ONE.


8. Stay off the secondaries. Ok, so your grandmama is in her house on the Cul-de-Sac, alone, and you want to get her. Problem is, her street is a skating rink now. So, you're either gonna have to park your car on a primary road and walk to her house, or use your car as a pinball, and slide-bounce off all the parked cars on her street to get to her - your choice. This is just common sense, c'mon...


9. Don't use your hazards as a safety net... So you're out there, scared shitless, and you want everyone to know? See #1...then #2, but if you still insist on driving - turn them damn hazards off. See, none of the other drivers on the road can tell exactly what you're going to do - is he turning? changing lanes? getting off the road? Who knows - you're doing 70mph on black ice, in the passing lane, with your friggin hazards on...


10. Don't stomp on those brakes: You're guaranteeing a skid. Pump the brakes. You should've done #1 & #2, but now that you've started to slide, flooring the brakes is a guarantee you'll lose what little traction you have. Pump...then pump...then pump some friggin more...


11. Turn into the skid. This is one of those things that little Northern teenagers always go hunh? before they actually have to do, then once they skid, they understand. Grown-a$$ adults down here just WON'T do it. Just trust me on this one - you have to turn into the skid to maintain control...


12. In a skid, accelerate. You have more traction accelerating than decelerating or while braking. Yes, it sounds perverse - but we ain't talkin' flooring it either. Slightly accelerate until you regain control.


13. Check your fluids. Yes, before you even get on the road - make sure you have anti-freeze, oil, gas, wiper-fluid, etc, etc, etc. A BMW owner flagged me down (after he passed my Cherokee at about 70mph)... He had let his car warm up for an hour, under a 1/2 inch bed of ice, and never checked his fluids and VOILA - the car overheated. On another note, as a woman - it is very cool to bail out a dude...VERY cool ;-)


14. When you get to your destination - start over again at #1. See, unlike normal storms, here in the damp South, the conditions may not get better when the sun comes out, and the day progresses. The ice storm persists, and my big-black-hurried a$$ almost slid into a Lexus in my parking lot...I need to take my own dayum advice.

I know some of this seems condescending - ok, yeah it is. But c'mon really - it's not that hard. If you're scared to drive - then don't. I know the rest of y'all northerners have some additional pointers - what did I forget?